“I have a lot of teenage clients who do that,” the therapist said as she flicked her hand into the air, effectively dismissing the cuts covering my arms and hands. “All you need to do is wear a rubber band around your wrist and pop it when you feel the urge to harm yourself.”
Maybe that advice would have made sense if I was a teenager, or only using self-harm as a coping method for a minor struggle in my life. But I was an adult, way past my teen years struggling through daily horror as memories of childhood sexual abuse tortured me.
At that moment, I felt ashamed. Adults self-harm too. I had kids who were teens and my lived experience far surpassed theirs. I should have known better than to cut my hands and arms. I should have had the skills to cope with suffering far beyond that of teens who just need to wear a rubber band around their wrists.
But here’s what that therapist missed…
Adults can self-harm. Teens can self-harm. It’s a reaction to deep suffering, not a flippant action to be dismissed with the wave of a hand and a rubber band.
No matter your age, if you are self-harming, here’s what you need to know: Your pain is real. And it deserves to be heard and cared for. And I’m sorry if that’s not what you are getting from the people around you.
Self-Harm Awareness
People often self-harm in order to cope with or outwardly express severe emotional distress. While it can indicate suicidality, it does not always. Often it simply means that the inside emotions are too much to handle. These types of overwhelming emotions are common in complex trauma, especially when dealing with emotional flashbacks.
Self-harm is also known as a non-suicidal self-injury. Abuse and trauma, especially sexual abuse, increase someone’s risk for self-harm.
Historically, females between the ages of 12-17 are at the greatest risk but anyone, at any age is susceptible. Complex trauma reduces your ability to cope with the overwhelming amount of internal distress.
Types of self-harm include:
- cutting
- scratching
- burning
- hitting
- pulling out hair
- eating disorders
- biting
- banging head
Any of these behaviors can bring shame to the person doing them and are often hidden. Signs to look out for to see if someone is self-harming include: using more medical supplies, injuries clustered together, unexplained frequent accidents, and frequent bruising.
While self-harm can be scary to the person experiencing it and their support system, it’s important to note that the emotions driving the self-harm are extremely valid. They are not attention-seeking or being dramatic, they need professional-level care and loving support from friends and family.
For Those Experiencing Complex Trauma and Self-Harm
Self-harm is brutally hard. On one hand, you just want the pain to stop while on the other hand, the marks and scars left from self-harm behaviors are embarrassing.
To heal, you need a supportive counselor or therapist. If your provider is scared of self-harm, or acting flippant, change providers. Also, be open with supportive (safe) loved ones about what you are doing. Conquer the shame by letting them in.
Believe that there will be a day that all of your marks and cuts will be healed. When the day comes that you falter again, forgive yourself and start over.
The great news about healing is that daily you get permission to start over.