Sometimes God builds bridges.
The pain of the past is acknowledged but forgiven. Change has been made. A path forward to come back together is created. It’s relational restoration and reconciliation.
But sometimes, God builds walls.
As much as we all want the story to have a happy ending, reconciliation is not always safe or wise. God is the God of wisdom and goodness and does not create survivors to be destroyed by abusers.
How do we know if we should reconcile with abusers?
There are a lot of factors that come into play when you’re talking about complicated relationships that result in someone being left with complex trauma. Remember that complex trauma means that what happened lasted over a long period or was highly interpersonal. When referring to complex trauma, which is usually found in domestic abuse and child abuse, controlling situations, and slavery, we’re not talking about one singular accident where someone lost their temper and then never did it again. Abusers choose to harm others. And they choose it over and over again.
The harm that was done was a choice. “Hurting people hurt people” is a common saying when it comes to abusers. Having a painful past does not give anyone the right to hurt someone else. Hurting people can also help people. It’s a choice.
One of the main issues when it comes to reconciliation with an abuser is the question, “Will they make that choice again?”.
Many times, what happens is someone who has healthy relationships will urge survivors to seek reconciliation because they don’t understand the pain and abuse found within abusive relationships. Or well-meaning pastors will counsel survivors to seek peace with one another, not understanding that those words place the survivor back in harm’s way of an abuser who has not changed.
One thing is sure: God will not destroy anyone to hide someone else’s sin. Verse after verse in the Bible confirms this. The consequences of sin are tremendous and can destroy others. But God himself wants goodness for you and wants sin to be brought to light. His plan is never to destroy someone, especially not to continue to hide someone else’s sin.
God will not destroy a survivor of trauma to hide their abuser’s sin. God will not ask you to reconcile with someone who wants to destroy you.
Everyone wants a mom or dad to love them. People in relationships want their harmful partners to change. No one wants to cut off contact with people in their lives only to be reminded on every holiday, birthday, or anniversary date how hard it is for them.
Ultimately, the choice to reconcile with an abuser is up to the survivor. It should not be made by anyone else, and undue influence should not be placed on anyone struggling with this decision. While that decision is personal, here are three things that might help in the decision-making process:
3 Questions to Ask Before Reconciling with an Abuser
Have they truly changed? Before replying with a quick answer based on desires or surface-level action, asking what actual change looks like is essential. Actual change means they fully accept their past actions and the damage that those actions had.
Words or phrases such as:
- It wasn’t that bad.
- You’re being dramatic.
- I don’t know why you must tell everyone about my worst moments.
- Yes, I did that, but I don’t want everyone to know, so can we keep it a secret?
are all signs that they have not accepted their past actions, are still trying to hide their actions, or are placing their desires before the survivor’s need for healing.
Someone who has, or is actively trying to change, will:
- Acknowledge the full extent of harm they caused.
- Repent of their actions, in truth.
- Be accountable to others.
- Seek further help to prevent those actions from ever happening again.
If an abuser has not actively changed and is not willing to be openly held accountable by others (who were not enablers in the past), it is not safe to reconcile.
Am I in a place where I can have a relationship with them again? Complex trauma leaves survivors with severe mental and physical damage. There is a chance that even if the abuser did every single step plus extra to change actively, survivors still can’t have a relationship because of the past damage.
If a survivor is considering reconciling with an abuser who they feel has actively changed, they need to:
- Be active in therapy or a support group to discuss interactions with a third party. Having an outside person involved is an extra safeguard and can help them manage unexpected emotions.
- Track how they handle emotions and actions for days following each interaction. If a phone call leads to anger days later or they participate in self-destructive behaviors the day after an in-person meeting, the survivor may not be ready for reconciliation or need to go slower. And that’s OK.
- Check in with themselves and their care team often to make sure they’re not reverting to well-hidden forms of coping such as masking or dissociation.
- Put firm boundaries in place and be willing to cut off contact again if those boundaries are violated.
Finally, survivors need to ask themselves, “Am I obeying God or am I trying to play god?“.
God’s timing is always right, and His will is always good. Several years ago, the saying, “Am I the only Jesus they will ever see?” became popular. Since then, it’s been used regularly and from the pulpit to refer to broken relationships. Unless the survivor and abuser both live in the wilds of Borneo, with no internet and no way to read this, that will not happen.
There are people all around who can reach out to them and bring them to Christ; let them. Trust God that if He has directed you to cut contact for your own safety or put strong boundaries in place, His plan is good.
Abusive people have friends and family who act as enablers. They will use faith, family, kids, and doing the right thing to manipulate you back into a harmful relationship emotionally. They might tell you that the abuser needs you to make them a better person, that the abuser is a faithful person and that you are allowing the enemy to come between you, or that your submission and devotion could be the catalyst to make them finally change. Let God be the catalyst, and trust Him. He desires you to be safe.
Admit that you cannot do what God can do and walk away. Trust the person who has harmed you entirely into the hands of God and walk away for your own health and safety.
Until an abuser is truthfully changed, repented, and is willing to be open and accountable, trust their lives to God. It’s God’s job, not yours, to change them.
God takes what was meant for evil and uses it to change lives. Is reconciliation sometimes possible? Yes. With safety and true change on their part, it might be possible. Will reconciliation always be possible? No. Is it even probable in some cases? No. Reconciliation is not always safe or wise; sometimes, healing looks like permanently ending relationships.
But healing is always possible. Cling to hope, even when you can’t see or feel it. It’s there.