There’s a monster living within me, the same one that lives within many that are working through Complex Trauma. This gross monster rears it’s head multiple times a day with ugly growls that tear down any kind or complimentary words. He’s been with me for my entire life but it wasn’t until I started therapy for this ache within my life that I learned his name. His name is Self-hatred and many times he’s accompanied by his friends, self-doubt and destruction.
For years I thought his name was Truth. When someone complimented me, I’d immediately tear it down inside of my head, doubting their words. Instead I’d tell myself what I thought was truth, that I was a bad person with nothing that made me worthwhile or loveable. Kind words were seen as soothing Band-Aids that people gave me in order to get their way. They were nothing but the fee they paid in order to access my mind and body to further destroy it or the stinging balm on an open wound.
“You look pretty today,” turned into, “you look pretty today for a fat person”.
“You are so talented,” turned into, “I’m glad you can do that because you’re hopeless at everything else”.
“You are a so funny,” turned into, “I can tolerate you because of your humor”.
Self-hatred showed up at every turn and tore down anything that was good.
I don’t know when self-hatred showed up in my life and made a cozy home but the fight to kick it out is a long battle which I feel I might never win.
Self-hatred is common in people with Complex Trauma. One of the big differences between PTSD and CPTSD is the length of time in which the trauma occurred. For Complex Trauma, this means that abuse or negative actions happened for long enough to change the person’s self beliefs. If the Complex Trauma is a result of abuse, ugly words meant to destroy that have been spoken over months or years have engrained themselves into people’s souls. When the Complex Trauma is a result of sexual abuse or physical abuse, actions have destroyed the victim in ways that go way beyond physical healing and will greatly tear apart their self beliefs.
When a child isn’t fed regularly by their parents as a result of neglect, they will come to believe that they aren’t worthy of food.
When a teen is touched in a sexual manner by a family member or step-parent, they will feel like they deserve it because they are dirty or because they in some way asked for it.
When a young woman is repeatedly hit by a boyfriend in college, they will start believing that they did something deserving of being hit.
When a young mom is yelled at by her spouse and told that she can’t do anything right as the mental abuse happens more and more, she will start to believe the words that tell her she can’t do it.
Every ounce of neglect, touch, every hit, every word spoken dripping with venom sends the victim the message that they are bad and unworthy. Yet when we hear of someone coming from abuse, the words are always the same, “Why didn’t they leave sooner?” or, “Why didn’t they tell someone?”. Abuse is made to destroy someone’s belief in themselves. You can’t pull yourselves up by your bootstraps if someone is actively and willingly cutting off those bootstraps every single day. Eventually the abuse or negative actions that cause the CPTSD transfer fully into the victim and become firmly implanted as a monster known as self-hatred.
When I was first told I hated myself, I was shocked. To this day, years later, sometimes when the self-hatred rears its head, it’s still shocking. People that have Complex Trauma as a result of childhood abuse may be dealing with self-hatred on such a deep formative level that they aren’t aware that loving yourself is an option. Self-hatred doesn’t always look like we think it will. Sometimes it’s just quiet words inside someone’s head that tells them constant lies and makes them pull further away from the people who want to tell them that they’re worthy of love and care.
Self-hatred is hard to fight and will take years to destroy. This is why abuse and other long-term traumas cannot be healed over night. A few simple loving words will not change the monster rooted deep within. To heal from Complex Trauma, people have to slowly rewire and change how they think and act including discovering their self-hatred and dealing with it.